Fun Lovin’ Criminal
Dear Inmate Penpal (# 8076WJ),
I was immensely pleased to read in your personal ad that you are a free-spirited, fun, loving, sincere, non-judgemental and outgoing young Christian seeking a match for your interests. I, too, enjoy dancing and singing, and music touches my soul as well. Like you, I also love the outdoors, taking long walks on the beach and candle-lit dinners. With regard to the last two pleasures, I can’t help wondering where exactly you’re imprisoned – is it some kind of Devil’s Island sort of deal, only with better catering? (Please let me know, as I may be slightly more inclined to commit crimes if I, too, can end up somewhere like that.)
Not having spent much time behind bars, I am probably not as ‘sexually versatile’ as you mention you are but I am willing to take a good long look at my inhibitions in this area, particularly if forced to. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if things do work out between us – and presuming you are eventually paroled – would I have to spring for a bunk in the bedroom or would a ‘civilian’ bed (queen size) be all right? If we have to go for a bunk bed, you can take the top one. Or the bottom if that’s your preference. I don’t want to fight about it. At this point, I may as well say that I have space in the bathroom for a toothbrush-shiv and a gun carved out of soap. So pack all your ‘toiletries’!
You write that you are very ‘loyal and family oriented’ – these are good qualities. However, it would help me to know if the sort of ‘family’ you are referring to is the kind that has a mother and father, and perhaps kids as well, or one that features captains, under-bosses and more sudden disappearances than usual. I do not have a family myself but am willing to start or join one, and am comfortable being called either ‘Dad’ or ‘Fat Connie’.
By the way, I am happy to start referring to the kitchen bench as the ‘chow-line’ if that will make your transition to ‘the straight life’ any easier. The yard is already called ‘the yard’.
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