“Why does this guy shoot people? Kill people. Is he insane?”

“No, he’s… angry. Pissed off.”

“With who – everybody?”

“Well not everybody, exactly, but a lot of people. Many, many people.”

“People such as?”

“Well I’m not sure, I haven’t written it yet. But I’m leaning toward people like Vin Diesel, Adam Sandler, Colin Farrel, too. Possibly. Jennifer Lopez… Actually, no, not Jennifer Lopez. Christina Aguilera. Steve Bing. Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant. That idiot Dominick Dunne. Bono, because he’s a pompous, sanctimonious prick. The Osbourne children. And the wife. Kate Hudson, Kate Moss, Cate Blanchett, Kate Spade, Kate Winslet – that woman talks way too much and way too quickly and emptily… Tony Kaye, Tommy Lee, Tom Green, Tom Clancy, Tom Arnold, Tom-“

“Hanks?”

“No, I like Tom Hanks. I’m not sure why… I’d like to add Tom Cruise to the list but I think he’s too powerful to kill, even in a work of fiction. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even mention him. Forget I said that. But put back Jennifer Lopez. A couple of those Corrs sisters. The Hilton sisters. The Olsen sisters. The Minogue sisters – the Australians – especially the dark-haired one. The Carlson twins. Selected Baldwins. The Hussein brothers Uday and Qsay. Their father. Kenneth Lay. Courtney Love. Russell Crowe. Guy and Mrs Ritchie. And, oh hell, I dunno... It really depends.”

Barney looked as though he wanted to tear me open and take a leak on my soul. “Depends on what?”

“On how I’m feeling on any particular day that I’m writing. I might read something about Courtney Cox for instance – not necessarily her; it could be anyone from that show. Or probably all of them. Anyway, say I read in a magazine about how Courtney Cox is getting a million bucks an episode for doing just about nothing then I might have her drink some water with cholera in it. See how she likes it.”

“Water with cholera in it? What is wrong with you? That’s disgusting.”

“Oh I know. Wait’ll you hear the symptoms.”